Question: How can I steal the Hope diamond?
Mene T (via Twitter)
Answer: No need. When Kobe raped that bitch in the hotel a few years back, he bought his wife this huge multimillion dollar ring as a "sorry I raped that girl, I promise I was thinking of you when she told me to stop" gift.
So here is our plan: you get a sex change. I would do this part but doctors have told me that cutting off my 19 inch penis would cause balance issues, so it is up to you. When this is done, you will have to kill Kobe's wife and make him fall in love with you. Be sure it is done in L.A. Elsewhere you can get caught and get life. In L.A. murder gets you put into a pair of Chinese fingercuffs for an hour.
When the deed is done, notify me. I will then break into Kobe's hotel and show him my incredible ass, chizled chest, and my 27 inch penis (I know I said 19, but it adapts to it's environment. In this case the hotel room of a black man). He will turn instantly gay and rape me.
I will then take my story to the media. It is my assumption that he will then buy you the Hope Diamond so you can look past the fact that he may now have AIDS and several forms of Hepatitis. You leave him a week later, we rendez-vous at some creepy fishing dock, and we drive off into the sunset with the diamond. Fool-proof!