Wednesday, September 16, 2009

Question 67

Question: How is it that girls can step on your face, shit on your heart, punch you in the dick (metaphorically of course) while all the time tricking you into eating from the palm of their hand? Is there some sort of gender specific physiology...out side of a vagina and boobs of course?
Hunter S. (via Email) 

Answer: Let me give you a brief history of the universe:
In the dawn of time, God (a man) created Man. Why? Cause he wanted someone to hang out and play beer pong with. Then one day things got a bit awkward between God and Man when they were watching sportscenter and both went for the Cheetos at the same time. Their hands touched for a brief moment and God felt kinda queer. 

The next day he created woman to take his mind off the gay thoughts and because it had been 4 centuries since anyone did the fucking dishes. The fruitty pebbles were starting to dry to the bottom of the bowl and there was no way in hell either of them were gonna scrub it. So in walks woman. Immediately she starts laying claim to everything like a fucking lab in a redwood forest. Not wanting to lose what God and Man worked so hard for, they laid claim to an apple tree. Well, first they laid claim to a banana tree but when they watched her hold a banana in her hands and place it softly inside her mouth, they decided to let that one slide.  Of course, some time later the bitch decides not to listen, and since God had not created Chris Brown yet he had decides to smite everyone and blow us off for U2 tickets. 

When he got back from the concert, he decided to give woman another chance to get shit right. So he calls upon Mary to give birth to his son so he can save us all by giving us xboxes and free slurpees. Of course that was until Pontius Pilate came along and killed him. He wasn't originally going to kill Jesus but that morning he decided to sit down and watch Friends only to find that his wife recorded Dancing with the Stars over the episode where Rachel tells her dad she is pregnant. He immediately went on a rampage and decided to kill Jesus. At one point he even thought about a quick, painless death, but his wife came to his work and whispered in his ear that Joey got canceled (proof). So he decided to crucify his ass. Instead of xboxes and slurpees we get our salvation. Might as well be a toaster. 

Centuries pass with women fucking things up. Salem witch trials? Crazy bitches. Marie Antoinette? Crazy bitch. Abe Lincoln: no way in hell he would have been at a fucking opera if it weren't for his wife. JFK: wife insisted they ride with the top down. Scott Peterson: she burnt the fucking popcorn. OJ Simson... ok well... you get my point. 

So now we stop to wonder, why do we put up with it? What is it that drives us towards women, and then eventually steers us into a bus full of Mexicans and off of a cliff in a fiery ball? I am afraid I have searched high and low. I have read the old testament, the new testament, and the future testament beta and have only come up with one answer: have you seen a girl hold a fucking banana? Holy shit it's hot.

2 comments:

  1. Amen to that brotha! Bananas all the way. That's why keep our meth-head girlfriends around instead of kicking their a$$es into drug rehab.

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  2. So true, so true. Have you seen that same girl make a banana disappear up her va-jay-jay? Reeeeaaaaally f***ing hot.

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