Saturday, September 12, 2009

Question 45

What qualities should I look for in a woman?
Nick (via email)
Answer: The ideal woman has the five A's. Age, Ass, Assets, Anxiety, and Amputation.
Age- Rainbow Brite may look cute but she can't fuck for shit and she is about as unstable as Michael J. Fox writing a letter. Get a woman that not only knows what a reverse cowgirl is, she invented it. 

Ass- Men need something to keep them warm at night and to stick their penis in when they forget a rubber. 

Assets- What else are you to play with when she is on her period? Tonka trucks? Fuck that. If she doesn't have at least 3 cars and a grotto beside her swimming pool, move along. 

Anxiety- She will never dump you or cheat on you with low self-esteem. Make her cry at least once a week by trading out her dresses for identical ones two sizes smaller and making comments about how the bed dips on her side. Convince her she is fat but you think she is skinny and she will never leave you.

Amputee- If by some miracle she overcomes her anxiety and tries to leave you, just push her peg leg ass on the bed and woodglue that son of a bitch to the bedpost. This cunt isn't going anywhere.

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