Tuesday, December 22, 2009

It's here

This has been a massive undertaking for me and is still a huge work in progress as I learn more and more about wordpress and expand the site. I had too many small blogs so I combined them into one and added a ton. I will still answer every question that comes my way and continue to (hopefully) humor you with whatever else I find. Ladies and gentleman: I'm Cool, You're Not

Wednesday, December 2, 2009


Due to the limits that blogger puts on my site creativity and expansion, the site will be completely new very soon.  I haven't forgot about the fans. In fact, I love them so much I have been secretly purchasing webhosting elsewhere and am almost done developing an amazing new site and transferring the domain. I am positive the new site will be even more shittier than this one. Expect the new site in one weeks time.

Sunday, October 25, 2009

Side note: Guest post over here... www.coolonpurpose.com
Other side note: trying to suck your own penis can render you paralyzed.

Thursday, October 22, 2009

Question 107

Question: Can you make up an original american gladiator name for me for halloween? The gayer the better.
Troy F. (via email)

Answer: I'm a bit offended Troy. Looking for gay gladiator names and this is the place you come? Is there some undertone my reader's get that I am unaware of? Should I clear out my mailbox for inquiries on go-go dancing and enemas? I will answer your question Troy, but just because I admire your bravery for being willing to rock the red, white, and blue spandex. Here are my ideas:
Charlie Horse- every time you go to do battle, you cramp up.
Cleveland Steamer- leave your mark on your opponents, and her chest.
Crotcho Libre- Mask your face, but not your crotch
Abraham Drinkin'- Just put on a beard and an uncle sam suit and shout obscenities at children
Foolsgold- look like a beast, compete like Urkel
El Nino- Beat the shit out of everyone for one season, and don't return for the next four.
and my personal favorite:
Papercut- may look small and harmless but everyone knows that you don't fuck around.

Tuesday, October 20, 2009

Question 107

Question: Do you like pygmies?
Emma G. (via Twitter) 

Answer: Not knowing what the fuck a pygmy is I image searched on google the word "pygmies." This was the first image:
First of all I did not know that a woman's tit could effectively be used to wipe your own ass. Secondly, I was unaware that the guy from Star Trek the Next Generation ever traveled to Africa. So the question is, do I like pygmies? I did until I scrolled down further on the image search and saw this Beetlejuice motherfucker staring back at me:
Now not only do I hate pygmies, but I am sending Africa a bill for my dry cleaning to clean the shit stains out of my pants. 

Question 106

Question: Can I get some suggestions on how to put my class of 9 preschoolers down for a nap every afternoon?
Jennifer (via Twitter)

Answer: This is a no-brainer. You have to trick the kids and time it right. Explain that swine flu is spread through food contact. Upon entering the classroom after lunch give them a shot of jellied ether and tell them it is purell. The second they sniff it (which all kids do) they are out cold for at least an hour. Only downside is if there is a fire drill. You will have to Weekend at Bernies it with 9 kids. Nothing duct tape and popsicle sticks can't handle. Good luck.

Question 105

Question: Why is my johnson so freakishly large?
Fred S. (via Facebook) 

Answer: Brother? Jk.

I am guessing your "johnson" is freakishly large because you still use the word "johnson" to refer to your penis. The only people that still use that are blacks alive during the civil rights movement, WWII vets, and Michael Clarke Duncan. And all of them have dicks that the neighbor kids use for double dutch.

Friday, October 16, 2009

Question 104

Question: What should I be for Halloween? (I don't want to be something slutty)
 Elizabeth J. (via Twitter) 

Answered: Don't want it to be slutty? Jesus, that's like saying, "I want to make a rap song, but I don't want it to suck." Slutty costumes are to Halloween what Mexicans are to orange groves. Without them, what is the fucking point? Slutty costumes are amazing. I usually get so turned on by them that I buy a pumpkin, warm it in the oven, and pretend the seeds are just tiny fetuses when I have sex with it. 

If you are not willing to contribute to my desire for pumpkin sex, then I can only suggest a few costumes that may satisfy your need to be as least slutty as possible:
1. Anything that is not my ex girlfriends. Whores.
2. Janet Reno
3. African Fur Trader

Question 103

Question: What is the best pick up line?
Joey B (via Twitter) 

Answer: Although telling a woman "I want to lick you where you pee," is a fail-safe in my neck of the woods, some may have difficulty executing this elsewhere. So I have tried to come up with the most universal pick up line I can think of. But, it has to be properly executed. 
  • First, go to your nearest pet shop and buy the cutest puppy ever.
  • Next go get a beautiful box of chocolate. 
  • Lastly, get a large box of candles and some lovely perfume. 

Now, walk up to a chick holding all of the above and whisper in her ear, "If you don't give me your number I am going to feed this whole fucking box of chocolate to this fucking puppy. And if you don't answer your phone when I call you tomorrow and agree to another date, I will light these candles and use this perfume to make a flamethrower to burn this puppy faster than a Jewish banker in Auschwitz." 

She will be like putty. 

Question 102

Question: Why does it say "Do Not Insert In Ear" on the cotton buds? What else do you use them for?
Big Gay Al (via Twitter) 

Answer: Cotton buds have many uses. If you are like me and always date the girl that leaves wax cups in the car so the holder fills up with water, then you use the buds to get the incriminating blood stains from within the cracks of your bathroom tile. 

Then there are the bitchy eco conscious girlfriends that decide that a plastic bag over their face is not the correct way to recycle. Nothing beats a cotton bud for removing your skin follicles from under their nails just before the police arrive.

And lets not forget their reliability when it comes to removing gun residue from your wristwatch when dating the girl that talks during an episode of Lost.

Ha ha. I'm fucking with you. Cotton buds really have no uses, we just keep buying them to give the slaves in Alabama something to do.